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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27416131">feels like a dream</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovebot05/pseuds/lovebot05'>lovebot05</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>BLACKPINK (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional pain, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Hurt, It Hurts So Bad, Late Night Calls, Not really heavy angst but still, One Sided Love, Physical Pain, Sad Ending, actually its really nsfw, actually there is nsfw, and it hurts so good too, and long long long texts discussions, because then lisa is a fuckgirl lmao, but not really lovers, but there's no smut sorry, could happen to anyone, discomfort ig, does fuckgirl exist, it's not long so u can read it really fast, jennie confesses, jennie doesn't feel loved, jennie hates lisa, jennie is a lil bitch, jennie is embarrassed too, jennie is heartbroken again, jennie is in "subspace", jennie keeps everything to herself, jennie overthinks, jennie plays hard to get, kidn of smut but not really, kind of manipulation, lisa cheats, lisa is an attention whore, lisa is mean, lisa is touchy, lisa loves teasing jennie, lisa played jennie, no happy ending, rosé is jealous, sexual tension in the air, slight nsfw, there are tears</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:01:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,064</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27416131</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovebot05/pseuds/lovebot05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>jennie falls in love with the wrong person.<br/>and it hurts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennie Kim/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>when jennie first meets lisa, she hates her. she hates the way the tall girl gets all the attention by just being dumb. she hates the way she makes jennie laugh internally. she hates the way she touches jennie’s hair in english class. and she hates the way she looks at her with bambi eyes. jennie hates lisa, it’s a well known fact. </p><p>jennie always believed she was worthy of love. she always thought someone would treat her as the princess she is and just the way she deserves. she had quite the cringy and cliché vision of love. but what would you expect from a fourteen years old? long story short, her vision changed when the first boy she was interested in asked her out. she said yes. now, years later, staring at her ceiling, she wonders if she accepted to date the boy because she was genuinely interested in him, or because he was giving her the attention she thought she wanted. she still doesn’t know the answer to that question. and it’s okay. the boy destroyed her. mentally, and physically. who knew that unwanted love could fuck you up? she didn’t. she’s still recovering. from him. </p><p>so when she meets lisa, few months after breaking up with her ex. she hates her. she hates everything about lisa, because everything about her makes jennie intrigued. and unconsciously she wishes for the tall girl to smile at her and hold her hand. when they meet, all jennie can see is how lisa is outgoing and friendly with everyone she meets. she hates that. the brunette rolls her eyes and tries to focus on the teacher, because it was their first day and important exams were happening this year, she could not mess up. but, what was lisa doing? was she smiling again? she looks fake with her long eyelashes. lisa meets jennie’s gaze and the latter just rolls her eyes again. but she can’t hide the blush on her cheeks. </p><p>days pass and jennie avoids lisa, she tried her best not to look at her but. but. there was no but, lisa was just drawing jennie’s attention. that’s how she is, an attention seeker. so why was she sitting in front of lisa in english? why was she actually happy to have the girl sitting behind her? and more importantly why was lisa playing with her hair? “hey” that’s the first word they exchanged. </p><p>“hm?” jennie replied, trying her best to seem uninterested. she failed. and lisa smirked. <br/>“do you hate me?” jennie was taken by surprise. why would lisa ask that? why did she care? jennie’s heart skipped a beat at the thought of lisa caring about her. but she decided not to play it cool. <br/>“yes i do” but that didn’t stop lisa from playing with jennie’s hair as the english lecture passed. and who was jennie for stopping lisa from playing with her hair? what was she supposed to do? say no? she wished she had though. </p><p>months pass and the tension between jennie and lisa started to annoy the fuck out of everyone in the class. jisoo, jennie’s best friend since middle school asked if she really hated lisa, and jennie kept on arguing that yes she hated the girl, she hated her ‘fuckgirl’ side, she hated the way she bragged about her one night stands, she hated the way she bragged about doing things jennie was not allowed to. lisa knew all of that. that’s why they didn’t talk. but jennie would never allow herself to admit she missed when lisa teased her in class, she missed when lisa was doing everything just to talk to jennie. </p><p>jennie loves playing hard to get. she loves the attention and she loves acting like she doesn’t. she loves lisa’s attention, but she was too proud to admit it to anyone. even her friends, because admitting it would be very embarrassing and would prove her friends right when they thought jennie actually liked lisa. and jennie knew lisa would love to know jennie liked her more than she showed. little did she know lisa knew very well about jennie liking her more than she admitted. </p><p>jennie and lisa spent their first year as classmates this way. jennie hating on lisa for absolutely everything. throwing insults whenever she could, she wanted to hurt her classmate for being too entertaining. everyone around them loved their interactions, and let them argue about anything but it was more jennie insulting lisa and lisa smirking than anything else. <br/>lisa was really enjoying this. and it pissed jennie off. it pissed jennie off because it proved that lisa knew what kind of game jennie was playing all along: hard to get, rude for nothing, seeking for attention. for lisa’s attention. </p><p>when prom arrived, they all went to this building which was holding concerts most of the time in their town and the whole school arrived. jennie and her friends looked good and they were willing to have fun. it was funny, because all their crushes and past crushes were here. and it felt good, to be watched. to be wanted in a way. jennie spotted one of the guy she used to have a crush on. he looked good, way too good and at the moment the only thing she wanted was him pining her against the wall and kissing her as if he could die at any moment. but it was wrong, wrong in so many ways. he winked at her and she knew he wanted it too, but it felt wrong.</p><p>what would lisa think? would she feel jealous? jennie wanted lisa to see that she can get whoever she wants too. she looked at the boy and smiled at him, and went back to dancing with her friends, making sure he was seeing her. and he was. he looked good, way too good. it still felt wrong, but wrong was so entertaining, wrong was very tempting and she really wanted to do wrong. so she kept dancing with her friends, making sure he was seeing how her friends’ hands were on her hips, how she was laughing with them, how much she trusted them with her body and how much they trusted her with theirs. </p><p>little did she know, lisa was watching too. and she was liking it way too much than she should have. </p><p>hours pass and jennie is enjoying herself. lisa came to say hi to jennie’s friends and jennie couldn’t get out of her head how beautiful she looked. she had a hard time swallowing and needed to get out to breathe because the only thing she was thinking about were lisa’s lips on her neck. it was so wrong. but so appealing, so tempting. if lisa asked her anything right now, jennie would say yes. it didn’t matter anymore because she was too weak for the tall girl. she was weak, and she was hating herself for that.</p><p>the summer went by kind of slowly. she travelled with her friend to a foreign country and had the time of her life. but she couldn’t get out of her head how beautiful and breathtaking lisa looked the last time she saw her. it felt so wrong, but so right at the same time. she felt like for once, she knew what she wanted. </p><p>so when she came back home and school started again, jennie was determined to be nice to lisa. no matter how weird it sounded, but she was determined to show the girl she can be nice too. </p><p>the new years started and they started getting along. as acquaintances would and jennie was thankful. she was kind of tired of all the bickering, not wanting to admit she started them all herself. they started over and it wasn’t awkward anymore when they sat next to each other, when they actually ate lunch together. and jennie was starting to realize she was looking at lisa way more than she’d ever admit. </p><p>she noticed how lisa didn’t eat a lot, how she preferred staying with her friends and not eat at all if it meant spending time with people who loved her, how she laughed a lot and how she made sure everyone was included in the conversation. jennie’s heart did a thing. and every night she wished lisa would hang out with her the next day. </p><p>in october, they had an intervention. americans were coming in their school for a music project, and jennie was the only capable of holding a conversation in english in their music group. a group lisa was a part of. which was why it was jennie’s favourite subject. they had so much fun on this class, mostly because the teacher was funny and let them do whatever they wanted with the instruments. she played the piano and lisa played the guitar. she had a thing for guitarists, who was she not to fall the moment she showed her skills? no one. she was, well, weak. that’s one way to say it. </p><p>they were sitting next to each other in class as always, and lisa would tease her. whether it was tickling jennie, or whispering in her ear, fake flirting with her. jennie loved the attention. she thought she might burn with all the blushing and all the second hand embarrassment she felt. her friends noticed how close she got to lisa and she knew rosé wouldn’t like that. that’s why she never talked about her feelings, that’s why she never asked the questions that were torturing her at night, because she didn’t want her friend to feel excluded. and that was one of the cons of her dating someone. she knew some of her friends would get jealous and would argue with her over the little things. </p><p>this is why she never talked about her feelings, to anyone. she felt ashamed and she didn’t want anyone to mock her, or annoy her. she wanted people to listen and to understand how she felt, she wanted her friends to help her answer those questions. </p><p>but she knew it was impossible and she could never have that. so she was alone, dealing with unknown feelings. she was craving touch. lisa’s touch. she wanted her hands everywhere, in her hair, around her waist, on her thighs, on her shoulders, holding her head. everywhere. one time in P.E, lisa put her head on jennie’s shoulder, and it felt so wrong because her friends were watching and jennie knew she did this to any of her friends, but it felt so right because the whole zoo in jennie’s stomach woke up and danced around. she wanted to throw up. </p><p>at night she would think about something lisa said, and wondered if she meant it. she would feel lisa’s hands on jennie’s back, she would feel so many things, unknown things. and she had no one to turn to, to talk about it. to know what it was and why it hurt so good. lisa messaged her, asking about something the americans said in their snapchat group chat. it was awkward. and jennie didn’t want to get her hopes up. it felt nice, to daydream about someone like that, to imagine something impossible with them, to fall in love with someone who didn’t love you back who was just being friendly. the pain felt so good, and she was willing to give up everything for lisa to take control. take control of her. that’s how weak she was. </p><p>weeks pass, lisa and jennie text all the time. about homework mainly because lisa needs some help, especially in english. and jennie is more than happy to help her. but feelings grow on jennie’s side and it was physically painful to hang out with someone she was falling in love with, and not being able to let it out to her friends, not being to talk about it to anyone, to keep everything to herself. it was so painful she cried sometimes, because she couldn’t handle the pain well. </p><p>who knew falling in love was painful? and who knew one sided-loves were more painful? who knew being alone in these times was physically unbearable? for days she couldn’t eat and drink, and she felt like crying, all the goddamn time. especially when lisa went out of her way every time just to talk to jennie. it hurt, because jennie convinced herself lisa didn’t love her back. and there was no way to find out other than confessing, and jennie would never do that. she would do everything in her power to avoid being humiliated like that. she had everything to lose, her dignity, her friendship with lisa, and she would attract curiosity because she’d obviously cry her eyes out. </p><p>she wasn’t the best at handling her feelings, but she was the best at hiding them. and it was very overwhelming at times, when lisa would text her in the middle of the class saying she looked beautiful that  and how much she liked when jennie wore turtlenecks. this is why jennie wore turtlenecks the whole winter, to please lisa. she usually wasn’t the one that pleased her partner but she was willing to do it just for lisa, just to hear her saying she looked pretty with her makeup on, just to hear lisa saying she looked good in those jeans, with her hair tied in a low bun. jennie was willing to do anything just to get lisa’s attention and she hated how weak she was. it felt so humiliating and so good at the same time. it felt satisfying too, especially when lisa told jennie she was having a hard time watching her walking around looking that good, it felt like she was in control and nothing, nothing could top that feeling. </p><p>weeks pass, and jennie was falling into some weird headspace without noticing, without even doing anything. everytime lisa was next to her, the whole world would fall apart, and the only thing she was thinking about was lisa and how good she looked. she only thought about lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa. lisa’s lips. lisa’s earrings. lisa’s soft hands and how good they fit in jennie’s. lisa’s eyes. lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa. that was the only thing in her head. </p><p>when they were together in english, jennie wouldn’t listen to what lisa was saying, she would only look at her features with loving eyes. rosé noticed, but wouldn’t say anything. jennie was glad she didn’t say anything. lisa would take jennie’s hand in her, would put her hand on jennie’s thigh and would make her laugh about stupid things. it was silly, and childish but jennie couldn’t help but feel loved in these moments, even though she knew her love was never reciprocated. it felt so good, and so wrong. </p><p>they started to call each other, until early in the morning. jennie and lisa would stay up late at night talking about anything, and it was the first time jennie ever did something like this. she never was the one comfortable on the phone, she hated it. but with lisa, it felt forbidden and wrong, that’s why she did it. sometimes after they hung up, jennie would imagine how domestic life would be with lisa. how she would wake up in the morning in lisa’s arms, how they would eat breakfast together, how lisa would play sunset lover for the nth time just for jennie, how they would kiss, and how their kiss would turn into heavy make out session, how lisa’s hands would feel around jennie’s body, how lisa would worship jennie’s body and how good it would feel. she couldn’t sleep after imagining this impossible life with lisa, and she’d usually end up crying the rest of the night. </p><p>they talked and talked. until one night, jennie confessed. “i like you” she said, blushing hard, not knowing what to do. she was about to cry her eyes out, wanting an answer, but also not wanting one. and she thought, now that it’s done, i can’t back off. there was nothing left to do than wait for the rejection. and a small part of her wanted lisa to feel the same way, but she knew deep down it wasn’t possible.</p><p>lisa and her were polar opposites. on the contrary to lisa, jennie never had any partners, never went to parties, had the same friends for years, couldn’t go out as much as she’d love to, couldn’t talk that much, had strict parents and was very focused on school. lisa was carefree and was everything jennie wanted to be, this was why jennie hated lisa. and she realized it right after her confession. she was tired and could blame on her lack of sleep if lisa asked any questions. and honestly, jennie would’ve loved silence, would’ve loved a ‘what do you mean?’ so jennie could joke about it. </p><p>she didn’t expect lisa to reply “i know” and not adding anything after. and jennie’s heart was crushed into million pieces. it was unbearable, the pain. it felt so horrible. it felt so wrong and physically impossible to endure. she wanted to cry, to scream, she wanted everyone to know how stupid she was for falling for someone who she knew didn’t love her back. but jennie was good at hiding the war that was going on in her head and shrugged everything off, she ignored the pain for a few minutes before hanging up. and she let it all out. everything.</p><p>it felt so good to finally have answers. she realized she was just a distraction to lisa, she was just someone lisa was playing with, because that’s how lisa was, playful and naturally flirty. and jennie was so stupid, so naive, so dumb to fall in love with the wrong person. she knew from the start they weren’t meant to be, and she still went out of her way, ignored the red flags, and fell right into it. the wave of sadness that drowned her the next days were painful, dreadful, unbearable. no words could describe jennie’s feelings, and how her body started hurting physically by just thinking of that confession, of that phone call, of that night.  there’s no other terms. her whole body hurt, her heart was shattered and her head was pounding. because of a migraine, and because of all the negative thoughts. no songs could describe the pain she was feeling, how wrong and stupid she felt, and how ashamed she was of herself. </p><p>at least, she could move on easier, and she didn’t have to face her friends because they knew nothing of what was going on in jennie’s love life. and she was glad she kept her mouth shut, because she didn’t want to hear rosé say ‘i told you so’ instead of comforting her and telling her everything was going to be alright. <br/>months passed and jennie acted like everything was alright, she distanced herself from lisa, and she was glad the latter didn’t reach out to her either, because that would’ve hurt more. even though her heart broke a little more noticing she didn’t reach out, which confirmed the fact she wasn’t loved the way she wanted. maybe she really didn’t deserve to be loved. maybe she was reading too much into things. </p><p>it was so hard, moving on from lisa, because she was the embodiment of everything jennie wanted to be. and she was everything jennie wished for in a partner. but she knew it was the right thing to do, to cut lisa off her life, to stop everything, because it was eating her being this weak. she hated it, and she was glad she didn’t have to embarrass herself anymore. </p><p>but deep down, if lisa called her and asked her to come over, she wouldn’t think twice before saying yes and letting lisa do anything to her. the headspace was still here and jennie secretly loved it. she loved it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>and here she was, sitting in lisa’s parents’ car, leaving jennie’s university behind, because lisa asked her to hang out, just the two of them. and oh, how jennie was weak for the tall girl.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>at some point, jennie had to admit out loud in front of her closest friends that she was, indeed and unfortunately, in love with lisa. lisa, the one seulgi hated. lisa, the one rosé despised. and lisa, the one that jisoo found dumb and uninteresting. this was one of the multiple reasons jennie never talked about her relation, her discussions, her wonders about lisa and their possible future. </p>
<p>	it was a saturday night, jisoo’s birthday party, and they were all gathered around in jisoo’s room, playing truth or dare. not in age to drink legally, they sneaked some alcohol in the room and were laughing way too loud for seventeen years olds, they knew the adults knew and they were probably fine with it as long as they stayed in the room and didn’t try to go out at this late hour. jennie was an jisoo’s bed, rosé’s head on her lap and she was playing with her hair. it felt good, to be with her friends after suffering so much without telling anyone. and she knew her friends were aware, aware that something was off and they didn’t want to force it out of jennie. </p>
<p>	after a few hours, and a few drinks - not enough for them to be drunk, they started asking stupid questions. seulgi asked if jisoo once took nudes, to which she responded yes, and jisoo asked chungha if she ever kissed a girl, to which the girl never replied. it was pretty obvious. “jennie, truth or dare?” jisoo asked and everyone was looking at her, and she felt like they were seeing right through her, as if they knew exactly what she was about to choose, what was the question and what was the response. she felt humiliated and naked. her feelings were disposed right in front of everyone and the only thing she wanted at the moment was to run away and ignore her friends. she knew they didn’t mean their looks, she knew they didn’t know about her feelings, she knew they were just wondering. but her eyes started watering without any warnings and she did her best to hide it. because jennie is the best at hiding feelings. but she wondered as she looked around the room if it was the right time to tell them the truth, or at least part of it, or none of it. "truth" jennie said and seulgi immediately asked: "are you in love?"</p>
<p>	“yes” she replied, looking right into jisoo’s eyes and no other questions were asked, because they knew who she was in love with, and they knew she was hurting, they knew it wasn’t the right time to ask questions. but jennie knew they didn’t approve, and she acknowledged the fact that maybe, maybe lisa was the wrong person, and she understood why rosé lifted her head off her lap, and why no one was looking with sympathy in their eyes. she deserved that. for falling with the wrong person, for being too weak, for not having high standards and for being selfish and keeping it all to herself. they weren’t mad, they were disappointed. the rest of the night, everyone acted like nothing happened and jennie forgot about her heartache for a minute. </p>
<p>	the next few weeks were torture. it felt like hell, physically. she was suffering, hurting, and the pain was so unbearable she disappeared for days - not calling her friends, not texting them. they were mad, so mad at her for ignoring them. but they didn’t care if jennie was suffering, she put herself in this situation, she was the only one that was weak enough to fall in love, she didn’t deserve to be loved or to get better. she had to suffer, to endure the pain. </p>
<p>	then one night, she met lisa again, and she felt her insides going crazy. jennie, jisoo and chungha were out one night and they were watching a movie, it was a drive-in cinema, so they were outside and after watching the movie they decided to eat pizza. as they were about to order, lisa was there walking not so far from there. and it has been a few months since they last saw each other, and jennie thought, she thought she was over everything. but oh god she was wrong. </p>
<p>	lisa walked up to them and she held jennie’s hands way too long for someone who didn’t love her back. and jennie felt like her world was falling apart and the only thing that survived was her, holding lisa’s hand. or the other way around, was lisa holding jennie’s hand? she didn’t know, and she didn’t want to know. they ordered their pizza and lisa accompanied them and ate with them. </p>
<p>	lisa was so touchy that jennie was having daydreams, and she falling in it again. it being that headspace that made her so obedient, so weak, so giddly, so submissive to lisa. lisa touched her neck and she lifted her head, giving the girl enough space to grab the neck and press to the sides. and the second she realized what was going on, she stopped and pushed lisa’s hand away. the tall girl smirked, she knew was she was doing, and she was loving it. jisoo and chungha didn’t notice how touchy lisa was because they were talking to each other and it wasn’t new of lisa to be touchy with people, but it was odd of lisa to be touchy with jennie, and only jennie was aware of that. </p>
<p>	lisa grabbed jennie’s thigh under the table. and jennie tried to push her legs away from lisa’s hand, but the tall girl used her force to keep jennie in place. she held back a moan, that was hot, and jennie stayed in place. why was lisa acting like this? especially when they haven’t seen each other in so long. jennie crossed her legs, afraid that lisa would feel jennie shivering and shaking. jisoo and chungha still didn’t know what was going on, and she realized once again what was happening. she pushed lisa’s hands away and forced herself to get away from lisa. it was suffocating and jennie felt breathless. </p>
<p>	that night, in her bed, she felt humiliated. she hated that, she hated giving everything lisa asked, she hated pleasing lisa, because lisa didn’t love her back, and lisa will never love her back. still feeling lisa’s hand on her neck ready to press, and lisa’s hand on her thigh forcing jennie to stay put. jennie remembered the moan she held back and she cried. </p>
<p>	she was busy with school, homework and work. it was tiring but she had to get her mind off lisa, still feeling the girl’s hands on her and how she would kill just to be touched like that again. sometimes at work she would pace out and think of how good lisa would make jennie feel, and jennie was so desperate to be loved in any way that she hesitated a few times to call lisa and ask her to come over. but then, she thought about her friends and how disappointed they would be if they happened to know she gave up.</p>
<p>	only if they happened to know. </p>
<p>	jennie busied herself, replied late to text messages and worked on herself. rosé texted her, saying that lisa had a boyfriend, thinking that jennie finally moved on. but jennie, oh poor jennie, she felt her heart being shattered once again. the several months of work were forgotten, the wave of sadness that drowned her that night was so painful, she felt her lungs filled with water, she felt her head pounding, and her eyes itching. lisa had a boyfriend, lisa really never loved her and it hit her again. it was just an affirmation all this time, a fact that could change anytime if jennie kept talking to lisa, making the latter like her just a little more, but now. now it was too late, jennie wasn’t enough. </p>
<p>	she lived the next days like a zombie, she was just thinking of lisa kissing her new boyfriend, lisa holding her boyfriend’s hand, lisa cuddling with him, lisa smiling because of him, lisa touching him, lisa, lisa lisa lisa lisa lisa lisa. she was thinking too much about her, she forgot to eat, forgot to sleep, forgot to give her assignment, forgot herself because she was living through lisa. she wished at night, on a full moon, as she closed her eyes and daydreamed about her impossible domestic future with lisa, that lisa would reach out and tell her -<br/>- tell her anything really, just talking to lisa would fill jennie’s heart with happiness she thinks. would fill her head with happy thoughts and would teach her how to take care of herself again. </p>
<p>	and her wish was granted. two days later, lisa texted her - to see how jennie was doing and what studies she had enrolled in. jennie remembered lisa was never the one to like school, and she knew lisa worked in the mall to pay for a car, her own car, to go and travel. oh, how jennie wanted to go with her. </p>
<p>	and here she was, sitting in lisa’s parents’ car, leaving jennie’s university behind, because lisa asked her to hang out, just the two of them. and oh, how jennie was weak for the tall girl. </p>
<p>	they stopped at a restaurant, and lisa was talking, she was talking so much. about anything, jennie was overwhelmed, she drank way too much water. and she was fascinated by lisa’s feature, ready to be pushed against the wall anytime lisa looked at her with that specific smirk. that one. the one that affirmed that lisa was aware of everything, of what jennie was feeling - still feeling, of jennie’s desires and she definitely noticed jennie drinking water, way too much water for someone with a little bladder - they talked about it, and oh how many times lisa accompanied her to the toilet.</p>
<p>	when lisa was paying for their food - jennie felt spoiled, she loved it: lisa paying for the both of them, lisa being in charge, and lisa taking care of her - she went to the toilet, she released her bladder. it was cold, in the restroom. and once she was done, she washed her hands, shaking because the water was cold and the window was open. she sighed and swore under her breath. someone entered the bathroom as she tried to close the restroom's window, and she felt familiar hands on her hips. someone closed the window, and when she turned around - there was no surprise, lisa was there, still smiling. </p>
<p>	it was silent between the two and jennie couldn’t help but stare at lisa’s lips, and lisa did the same. it was awkward and jennie suddenly felt hot, warm and again ready to give in for lisa, her knees were weak, and she was about to fall when lisa kept her hands on jennie’s hips, supporting her. </p>
<p>	jennie remembered that lisa had a boyfriend, the girl touching her, the girl staring her lips, the girl who paid for their food, the girl who picked her up, was taken. not by jennie. and a flash of realization appeared in jennie’s eyes and as she was about to protest, and act like nothing happened: lisa pushed her against the wall, behind the cabins, and kissed her like the world was ending around them.</p>
<p>	and it felt like it for jennie. she wanted to push lisa away… or did she? she suddenly gave in, putting her arms around lisa’s neck, touching her like she always wanted to. the kiss was sloppy, their teeth were meeting, it was disgusting and jennie felt dirty. it felt so wrong, and for once jennie was ready to do wrong. to do so much wrong. lisa was touching her everywhere and she moaned into jennie’s mouth, no words were exchanged. </p>
<p>	they exchanged no words and they never stopped the kiss - only once to kiss each other’s necks, lisa claiming jennie and jennie moaning silently. they kissed again, their legs interlaced: lisa’s thigh between jennie’s legs, and jennie’s thigh between lisa’s legs, both touching there. and it felt rightfully wrong in this moment, their body fit so perfectly, and jennie realized - as she moaned in lisa’s mouth and grinding on her thigh (lisa moaned back because she was grinding on jennie’s thigh too) that this was a one time thing, this would never happen again and she had two choices: either stopping everything and leaving, unsatisfied, or keep it going, releasing it, and hurt even more after. </p>
<p>	her choice was obvious, and lisa kissed her again, her hands on jennie’s ass making her grind faster. she bit jennie’s neck and held a moan back as jennie lifted her head for lisa to bite more and harder. they went faster, and their jeans were an obstacle to the real thing, but they both knew they weren’t going to go further once they would both reach it. </p>
<p>	jennie whispered ‘i love you’ as she felt it coming, lisa acted like she didn’t hear it but jennie knew she did, and they both kissed again, shaking because of what happened. they stayed still for a few minutes, jennie’s forehead of lisa’s shoulder and the tall girl was panting. it felt so good, so wrongfully good. and they knew they couldn’t see each other again. </p>
<p>	jennie felt dirty, lisa cheated on her boyfriend with her, and she felt like a whore. like the girls you see in movies, the mean ones you read about in books, the bad examples. she started crying and lisa let her go, they left the restroom without a word and they entered the car, jennie’s lips were swollen and the hickeys on her neck were red, her legs were still shaking. </p>
<p>	the car ride was silent, but jennie’s head was pounding with thoughts and her heart was shattered once again. she felt guilty and dirty. that night she took two showers, and didn’t eat. she didn’t deserve it. after what she did? she didn’t deserve to be happy and everyone wondered why was jennie so sad, why was jennie so… not jennie. and everyone was scared to ask questions, because all of them knew lisa had a part in it. they didn’t ask why was jennie wearing turtlenecks even when it wasn’t cold. </p>
<p>	until one day she cried and let it all out. everything. and they were all here to witness it. there was so much violence and so much tears, and they were confused at times because she was blabbering and rambling and they didn’t understand. they watched her talking about lisa giving her false hopes, lisa smiling and touching her, lisa making her fall into that headspace - she did some research and learnt that it was called ‘subspace’, she talked about how humiliating it was to be ready to give up everything once lisa laid a single finger on her, and how wrongfully right it felt to give in, in that restaurant’s restroom. she told them how good it felt, and how she would do it again in a heartbeat, how sad she was, how lonely she felt because they didn’t approve of it, how much she needed them to help her, but they weren’t here. </p>
<p>	they didn’t exchange words, they just held her. apologies in the air, no words were exchanged and they all said sorry in their own way, they weren’t the ones to be good at communicating, they weren’t the ones to be understable in certain situations, their friendship wasn’t perfect and they were okay with it. but sometimes, the inner tension, the unspoken and all the hurt had to resurface and destroy everything around them. this time it was jennie’s turn to explode and it felt right to finally voice out loud her thoughts, her worries and her questions, and her non reciprocated love. </p>
<p>	months later, walking in town again, she met lisa again, she was filling her car with luggages and jennie remembered that lisa wanted to travel with her own car. jennie felt nothing, absolutely nothing. she didn’t feel lisa’s hands on her, didn’t feel her mouth on her neck, didn’t fill that wave of sadness submerging her as she watched the tall girl talking excitedly with her parents. it was over. finally over.</p>
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